How to find female friends who lift you up

As people age, the search for friendship turns into a desire for quality versus quantity, but in a world full of fast and casual interactions how do you find female friends who lift you up?

We spoke to life coach Pam Bauer and psychologist Harriet Lerner about strategies women can use to make their relationships with female friends more uplifting and how to judge when a friendship is no longer working.

What are women looking for in friends? 

What women look for in friends tends to change throughout their lives. A woman in college may want fun, popular girlfriends, but later crave closer friendships. according to Lerner, who is the author of Why Won't You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts.

"In general, it's good to be on the lookout for friends who are trustworthy (they will keep your confidence), reliable (they show up and do what they say they'll do), caring, loyal, and who can give us wise and honest feedback without being judgmental," Lerner said in an email interview. "We should be on the lookout for friends who can celebrate our successes and support us through the inevitable difficulties that life plunks down on our path."

►Strong women are everywhere: women.usatoday.com

Take a close look at your friends

Everyone has a girlfriend who leaves them feeling more exhausted than fulfilled at the end of a conversation, but it doesn’t have to be that way, Bauer said.

She said women should start by taking inventory of the people in their life and what sort of effect those relationships have.

“When you look at the people you spend the most time with, how much time do they spend complaining, criticizing, whining, gossiping?” she said. “Those people define themselves as a victim of their circumstances or others around them and blame others for their situation without focusing on the problem. Those are people who are probably not going to be very good at lifting you up.”

Lerner said friends should be able to handle the tough times along with the good.

"Don't look for the kind of 'positivity' that doesn't make room for the whole range of emotions that make us human," Lerner said.  "Sure, we should look for friends with whom we can laugh and have fun, but it's a serious limitation when that same friend can't be emotionally present with our pain and sadness."

While you don’t have to end a friendship with someone who is negative, you should ask yourself whether it is truly worth salvaging, and if so have an honest conversation with the person, says Bauer.

“It’s certainly worth it to talk to them and say ‘there is a different kind of relationship I would like to have with you,'" she said.

If the friend is constantly complaining, try to shift the conversation from “Oh, that’s too bad,” to “what can we do about that?” or “how can you change that?”

And sometimes it's just time to say goodbye, according to Lerner.

"Not everything is fixable," Lerner said by email. "Nor is it useful to continue a friendship that pulls us down more than it lifts us up. If a friend evokes bad feelings, leaves us feeling smaller or less worthy, or is simply more 'high maintenance' than we have the tolerance for, it may be time to disband — or at least take a lot more distance."

Listen to your gut

Chemistry plays an important part in friendship, according to Lerner.

"Pay attention to how you feel in your interactions with your girlfriends," Lerner said. "Do you feel comfortable and relaxed being with this particular friend? Can you be who you are, and not have to leave an important part of yourself  at home? When you connect with this person, do you leave feeling more empowered, zestful, capable and enlivened — or the opposite? Is the friendship good for you?"

Likewise, Bauer said people know in their gut if a relationship is negative or positive. She refers to it as a shackles off or on scenario.

"You have shackles on when you are around someone that ... it feels negative with, or draining; that’s shackles on," she said. "But when you are around someone where it feels really good for you and gives a sense of freedom and ease, that’s the shackles off feeling, and that's what you are really looking for in a relationship."

Stress over the long term could make you fat

Look in the mirror 

If you want to be friends with women who lift you up, you have to fulfill that role for others as well.

Bauer said you have to take a hard look at yourself and ask how you are behaving in your relationships with other women.

Acting like Regina George from Mean Girls? Cut it out. If you aren't acting the way you want a friend to act, ask yourself if you are open to being vulnerable and authentic with other women.

“We often go through life with this veneer of ‘I am fine, everything is good,’ while we hide a sadness or struggle, so going through life with that veneer means there is no opening in which somebody can give us help,” she said. “When you take off that mask, you give others permission to do the same, and that is where true connection happens.”

That doesn’t mean you need to be an open book with everyone you meet, just be open to being vulnerable and real when the opportunity presents itself, she said.

Put yourself out there 

If you are trying to revamp your connections, start with those who have similar interests.

"The first thing I always suggest is going out and doing things with other people that have the same kind of interests," Bauer said. "It could be maybe taking a class or volunteering or going to meet-up groups."

YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE:

Why there's nothing fake about Facebook friendship

10 ways to make friends in college

Follow Mary Bowerman on Twitter: @MaryBowerman